UNTITLED

Stephanie looked up, her eyes stained with dry tears. She felt much better now, she always did. Stephanie had a lot of pain and got rid of it the best way she knew how 2 mutilation.

“Stephanie,” her mom called. /Stephanie, are you alright in there?”

Stephanie sat on the side of her coffin; or at least it could have been her coffin. She was sitting on the side of her water-filled bathtub. She looked down at the water and contemplated suicide. This wasn’t the first time the thought came into her head. Whether it was drowning or slashing, it didn’t matter. She just didn’t want to live. She only thought about it, though, because she never actually had the courage to kill herself.

Stephanie felt like she was running down a long corridor; one that didn’t have an end. She was screaming and no one answered her. She felt like she was powerless. Nothing was in her way to stop her and she couldn’t stop on her own. What to do, what to do?

“Stephanie,” her mom called again. /Are you alright?” her voice was like nails scraping against a chalk board the way they interrupted her thoughts.

She looked down at the water again. She reached down for the plug. What’s the use anyway? She would come up for air at the last minute and it wouldn’t work. She would find another way.

Anne, her mom, burst through the door before Stephanie reached the plug. /There you are,” she said. /We have to talk about why you just ruined my party.”

“We have to talk about why you just ruined my life,” Stephanie shot back.

“First of all young lady, don’t take that tone with me. Second of all, what do you mean I ruined your life? You were the one who announced you were gay in front of our entire parish,” she said in her usual holier-than-thou manner.

“It’s your parish, not mine. You’re the religious fanatic, mother,” she returned.
Stephanie was enraged. She didn’t want to discuss this with her mother right now. She slammed the door shut on her mother’s face and she could hear her anguish scream of pain as she pulled her fingers from the unlatched door.

Stephanie latched and locked the door. She looked back at the water filled tub. She was ready to drain it just two minutes ago, but was interrupted. Now she wanted to kill herself more than ever. She knew she would never be accepted into her family now that they knew she was gay. It would be easier just to end her and her family’s misery now.

Stephanie undressed. She felt like screaming, but couldn’t say a thing. She was too weak to even think. Just move into the bathtub, that was all she had to do. She finally slipped into the bathtub. The water was only lukewarm now. She waited too long to get in, but it didn’t matter. Stephanie closed her eyes. She didn’t want to go to sleep, just rest her eyes. She was too tired though. She couldn’t help but to dose off.

Stephanie dreamt of billowing red clouds. She was floating around in them, she was flying and she loved it. She was free, free of life. She never felt so good before. Then she heard her mom’s voice. She was screaming for her. /What now?” Stephanie thought.

She heard her mom crying now. Stephanie felt a little bad for not answering her mother, but it was like she couldn’t answer. She opened her mouth and nothing came out. Then the billowing red clouds went black. She saw nothing but white. She strained to her mother’s voice now.

“She cut herself, I think she hit a vein, Mark,” she heard her mother yell to her father. She was hysterical now. /Mark, I don’t feel a pulse. She can’t be dead. Help her, Mark,” Stephanie heard her mother’s voice fading now.

“ ! let’s pray for God to save Stephanie’s soul,” Anne heard the preacher say.

She looked up, her cheeks stained with dry tears. She remembered looking down at Stephanie in the bathtub. So sweet and innocent. The blood rushed around her in the water like billowing red clouds. She could have helped her. Why didn’t she? She felt guilty. It was like she sat there watching her die. What was she going to do now?

- Jessica Brown